Best known for the Off-Broadway musicals, "The Last Session," "The Big Voice: God or Merman?" and "New World Waking," a song cycle for peace and justice.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Celebrity Nullification Game.

Celebrity Nullification, the game. My new favorite game in this overly-connected world.

THE RULE: Identify a particularly obnoxious, untalented and ubiquitous celebrity while they're on the rise and then avoid ever hearing them speak until their celebrity cycle has run its course.

A perfect celebrity example would have been Paris Hilton, but I wasn't playing the game back when she was famous for doing nothing.

So, you have to be ready with the remote because they're likely to appear on commercials, the Internet, their own manufactured reality shows or talk shows.

If you ever hear their voice, even one time, you lose the game.

The current celebrity: Kim Kardashian.

I have never heard this woman's voice, nor have I watched a single second of her on TV except through imitators on Saturday Night Live. So, the only Kim Kardashian I know is the one making fun of her.

They almost caught me when I saw her face pop up on a commercial for California -- really? They think people will want to vacation in California because Kim Kardashian told them to? But I managed to hit the mute button on the remote just in time.

I have never seen one second of her TV shows. I do not wish to "Keep Up..." with her or her ridiculous family members. And it's amazing how the world looks when you see the face and body plastered on the cover of almost every grocery store check-out stand magazine and you still have no idea who she is or why she's famous -- and that becomes part of the game, too.

To figure out why is she famous. What does she do? I still don't quite know since I only know her through tabloid headlines.

She is also, apparently, a vampire.
Apparently, she's famous for her ass and is obsessed with being "pretty."

She has a mother who is competing with her for attention and is terribly jealous. Sisters who may or may not be going through the horror of being fatter than she is and who are also competing for attention.

She either hates her big ass or is proud of it. She is pregnant by some rich and famous entertainer of some kind and is going through all kinds of angst over her newly ballooned body. One week she hates it. The next week she's showing it off.

She is also, apparently, ridiculously stupid and untalented.

Our first Celebrity Nullification object happened by accident. It was when we were flooded with some celebrity on a show called "Kate Plus 8." It was a mother with 8 kids. And we could tell just from the flood of publicity we were not going to like this person, who seemed to be getting more airplay than anyone in the US -- for no apparent reason other than she had 8 kids and was divorcing her husband.

We hadn't necessarily intended to nullify her. It just kind of happened. She was suddenly everywhere and we didn't know why. Then we decided we never wanted to know why and started flipping the channel whenever she was announced to be on something.

Finally, though, I lost the game when I accidentally heard her while flipping past a talk show called The View. She was a co-host and I heard her voice.

GAME OVER.

Damn.

And now she's gone from the airwaves. If I could have just held on a little longer, I might have made it through her entire celebrity cycle.

If any of you are inadvertently playing the Celebrity Nullification Game, please let me know which celebrity you are nullifying. I'd love to know I'm not alone.
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