The Times of Vito Russo.

You probably don't know his name, but the history of gay people cannot be written without the name of Vito Russo. This video is 20 minutes long, but well worth the viewing.


ACTIVIST: The Times of Vito Russo from Jeffrey Schwarz on Vimeo.

Recommendation: HBO film "Temple Grandin."

Last night, we caught a movie that I can't possibly praise highly enough. It's called "Temple Grandin" and it's the compelling story of the woman (Temple Grandin) who not only learned how to overcome the difficulties of living with autism, but who has become the world's foremost expert at humane animal handling for food production. Here's the trailer for the film:

Or, in the words of a BBC documentary, "the woman who thinks like a cow."

She was even cited by PETA for her work, despite the fact that Temple helps design slaughterhouses -- and the amazing part of her work is that she not only figured out how to more humanely treat animals, but demonstrated that by using these techniques, the ranchers can cut costs.

Back when she was young, doctors thought autism was the result of "cold mother syndrome." But Temple's mother rejected this diagnosis and helped her daughter learn, go to school and eventually become a Ph.D. in animal husbandry.

Temple describes the brain of an autistic person as being similar to an office where the CEO (the frontal cortex) is unable to communicate with the rest of the divisions. And, like animals, autistic people are confronted with intense emotions -- fear, anger, etc. -- so they react instantaneously, unable to process the emotions.

This film is not only entertaining and informative, but inspiring. It left both Jim and me with tears in our eyes at the end. I'm so glad a friend of mine recommended this. Do not miss it.

Tim Burton Rocks.

The look of this movie astonishes.

Yahoo for Yoo Hoo.

The Women Film Critics Circle has announced their 2009 awards for the best movies this year by and about women, and outstanding achievements by women, who get to be rarely honored historically, in the film world.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: Gertrude Berg [Posthumous]: Yoo-Hoo Mrs.
Goldberg: Aviva Kempner, director

It's about time someone acknowledged this well-loved, but not widely distributed film, Yoo Hoo, Mrs. Goldberg. Not only for reasons outlined in this NY Times article, but because it, like Zero Hour, spends extra time on the tragic story of Phillip Loeb. (This was purely a coincidence, by the way).

Zero Hour, for all its admitted Borscht Belt roots, still digs deep into Zero's pain and anger at the Blacklist. For him, it meant death. As dramatized in "The Front," in one of the greatest screen performances of all time Zero plays a character based on the death of Phillip Loeb.

(Only one reviewer made a note that "The Front" wasn't mentioned in "Zero Hour." But the truth is that Zero's character in The Front is based on Phillip Loeb. By just telling the story of Phillip Loeb, mentioning "The Front" would be redundant.)

(How I wish I had copies of Zero's paintings from this period. I have not seen many of his works. I don't even know where they are. Reader?)

Anyway, congratulations to our friend, Aviva. "Yoo Hoo, Mrs. Goldberg" is a terrific yarn, an emotional thrill ride, about a real life historical character, Gertrude Berg, the most famous unknown woman you ever knew.

Hemo2Homo Review: Star Trek

The STAR TREK Review

HEMO: Seen any good movies recently, Hemo?

HEMO2031: Why yes, I have. Star Trek. Did you see it as well, Hemo?

HEMO: I did. And, overall, I enjoyed this film. Star Trek is the best Space AIDS movie since Starship Troopers.

HOMO: Shawn, who the hell are you talking to?

HEMO: I'll tell you- in the future. For now, just know that I'm tired of being the young, wide-eyed half of this movie duo. You and I have been working together for 10 years now, and you always get to play the part of "Wise Sage Steve", or "Mr. Movies" as they call you on the streets of Hollywood...

HOMO: No one has ever called me that.

HEMO: Not my point. My point is- I've survived over twenty years with HIV. But no matter how much older I get, you age at the same rate!

HOMO: Did you learn that heady stuff from Star Trek? What the hell is HEMO2031?

HEMO: It's me, 22 years from now. That makes HEMO2031 your current age- 55. He/me is your equal. And I brought him back from the year 2031 to review Star Trek with me.

HOMO: This will be fun to watch.

HEMO2031: Nice to meet you, Steve.

HEMO: I call him "Homo".

HEMO2031: In the year 2031 calling a gay man "Homo" is a crime that is punishable by death. If you don't mind, I'll call Steve "Steve".

HOMO: He doesn't mean anything by it, Hemo2031. I call him "Hemo." Is that okay?

HEMO2031: Sure- but no one will know what you're talking about in the year 2031, because hemophilia will be cured by then.

HOMO: Ha! Hear that, Hemo? Your kind will be extinct, and my kind will rule the Earth!

HEMO: This isn't going how I planned. Look, this is all fascinating stuff about the future, really, but can we get back to Star Trek?

HOMO: Did you see the coming attractions? Previews are starting to feel longer than twenty-two years. This time, there was a long live-action version of that puppet film, Team America, complete with a fake Eiffel Tower being destroyed by some guys dressed like Iron Man who fight some multi-colored robots from outer space who are also attacking the Vatican.

It was called G.I. Transforminator.

HEMO: The G.I. Joe guys in those suits look like the NFL robots.

HOMO: Hey, Hemo2031, if you're from the future, then you've already seen this flick. Any good?

HEMO2031: It will be deemed a classic of all time and they'll pass a law that all movies must be sequels to G.I. Transforminator.

HOMO: With nothing but robots as characters? That will be the end of the AIDS movie as we know them. Will there be a Hemo2Homo Connection in 2031? My God- I'll be 77. Will I be... alive?

HEMO2031: Yes, and yes. But the Hemo2Homo Connection will only review Michael Bay directed G.I. Transforminator movies from the year 2012 on, when President Jeb Bush signs the Michael Bay Act into law.

HOMO: That sounds like a fate far worse than death to me.

HEMO: ... so no more movies about AIDS? We should really cherish Star Trek.

HOMO: You really see this as an AIDS movie? I thought you'd see it as a horror movie! It started right at the beginning with Kirk sitting at a table with Kleenex stuffed up his bloody nose. Then came Kid Spock kicking some other Vulcan kid's ass... just like they used to beat you up in school just to watch you bleed! Fortunately, Spock's blood is green and not all AIDS-y like yours.

HEMO: I was too distracted by the green-skinned bimbo to notice the green blood. It wasn't until Spock's planet was destroyed that it all clicked for me. "There's only 10,000 Vulcans remaining," Spock said. An obvious reference to the 1980's blood scandal and The Committee of Ten Thousand.

HOMO: So this isn't just an AIDS movie? It's a thinblooded AIDS movie? Geesh. Hey, I wonder if they have Vulcan blood clogger-upper or if AIDS can be transmitted into copper-based blood? HEMO2031, any answers?

HEMO: I have a confession to make: I made up the HEMO2031 thing.

HOMO2031: Past me forgives you.

HEMO2031: Past me accepts.

HEMO: I can't imagine how cranky you'll be about movies at age 77, Homo. So what did you like most about Star Trek?

HOMO: I loved how the other characters on the bridge who channeled the spirit of the originals--and not just like extras. Each of them showing motivation, strength, innocence and fortitude. Not as much as us, and our ability to survive with AIDS. But close.

HEMO: The cast is great. My only beef with Star Trek was the CGI snow creatures scene, and the hanging on by the fingernails scenes. I hate those kinds of things in any movie, especially in one where you care about the characters. I'd rather have seen young Spock having a private conversation with his lady than watch Kirk narrowly cheat death. Again.

HOMO: Yeah, note to directors out there: The word "cliffhanger" is a metaphor. Still, you gotta give it up for a Hollywood movie with actual characters. They must have hired a gay. It's the only explanation.

HEMO: It's the only explanation for not seeing Green Alien Bimbo's ta-tas.

HOMO: Kirk did look good in his undies in that scene. Maybe his not-so-light saber and her green boobs will be in the extras on the DVD? But Star Trek was just like the Hemo2Homo Connection... it was funny! This movie made me laugh out loud again and again. It felt like the real Star Trek, not like that tired Wolverine farce.

As for the rest of the summer, I'm already tired of G.I. Transforminator.

HEMO2031: Just wait until the year 2017, when you're reviewing G.I. Transforminator 29: Rise Again of the Machines Again.

HOMO: Please, AIDS, take me now?

The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.

The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for much longer than that.

Steve Schalchlin ("Homo") resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker ("Hemo") lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

Share the Blog. Not the Virus.

Hemo2Homo Connection: Wolverine

The X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE Review

Hemo: Hey Homo, everyone’s all like, “Have you seen Star Trek? Have you? Huh?” It’s a recession, and I’m still counting my dollars trying to figure out if I’m going to see the Wolverine movie…

Homo: I’ve never been so disappointed in a movie in my life.

Hemo: See? Good thing I didn’t rush out to see Star Trek…

Homo: No, I’m talking about Wolverine. You know, positoid, that I am a lifelong X-Men fan. Growing up, they were the superhero gays that I couldn’t be. I even put this into a song in The Big Voice. The first two X-Men movies were so good, especially the second one, because the filmmaker knew what most comic readers know: It ain’t about the action. It’s about the characters.

Hemo: Yes! That’s why Watchmen was so good.

Homo: Exactly. Your mutant abilities are finally forming, Hemo. But in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they manage to take all the mystery out of Wolverine, reducing him to a whiny little bitch, running around afraid of his big, bad older brother…

Hemo: Maybe in part two of Origins they reveal that Wolverine was born a Thinblood? It’s scary being a little brother with a bleeding disorder, knowing that at any time your big bro can erase you from existence.

Homo: That’s how it is for all little brothers. In this, he’s trying so hard to be a nice guy: THAT IS NOT WOLVERINE. That’s a whiny little bitch who hates being all mean and stuff. Where’s the fun? Where are the wisecracks? WHERE IS WOLVERINE??

So, having drained all the blood out of Wolverine, we’re treated to a movie that looks like it was made from stock footage from other “action movies” with Hugh Jackman’s face painted on the “hero.”

Tacky, dull, stodgy.

Not only that, but it’s the kind of movie where you are saying the cliched lines of dialogue along with the actors on the screen because there’s not a single original thought being expressed. And, but, for an origin story, we don’t really learn anything about what drives him. There’s a generic falling in love story. Bad guys kill the girl / must get revenge plot. But you don’t really know the girl and you don’t really fall in love with their relationship.

Have I mentioned how angry this makes me?

Hemo: Not to my knowledge.

Homo: Wolverine is a great character. It’s not right for him to be the SECOND BADDEST GUY in the story. And who’s the bigger, badder guy? My most unfavorite character in the Marvel Universe whose “power” is that his fingernails grow really long. I saw that on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t need it in a super not-quite-villain whose motivations are also fuzzier than a homeless man’s belly button.

Shall I tell you how much I loathed this movie, Hemo?

Hemo: Be like the old Wolverine, don’t pull any punches!

Homo: I walked out during the end credits. Not because of low t-cells or anything- I just didn’t care about the extra scene.

Hemo: Sounds like this film should be sent off on the Starship Enterprise, to be reviewed in a future not so far away by the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys. Thanks for saving me some money, sorry your heroes let you down.

And, Yes, Hemo2Homo Will Be There!

My Inner Geek Will Be Watching Watchmen.

I have tickets to tomorrow's first matinee of the greatly anticipated movie version of WATCHMEN, possibly the greatest graphic novel ever written. The author of said book has renounced all association with the film because of how they murdered his other books, "League of Extraordinary Gentelmen," "V For Vendetta," and... well, trust me. They murdered them.

Early reviews for WATCHMEN have been all the way from absolute hate to complete and total embrace. (Roger Ebert loved it!).

So, who knows? But I'm gonna be there. Front and center.

Hemo2Homo Predicts The Oscars

Tonight is the Oscars. It’s always a chance for Shawn Decker and Steve- The Hemo2Homo Connection- to match wits and predict winners. I’ll post the results tomorrow and will try not to gloat too much when I win. Oh, and since Shawn didn't dress for the occasion, I'll do most of the heavy lifting.

STEVE SAYS: The Oscars! The gayest event of the entertainment season featuring five movies no one in America actually saw all competing to win a prize so that their DVD sales will escalate (since none of the films ever played in any actual theaters where “the public” — that great unwashed mass of Paul Blart lovers — resides.)

BEST ACTOR: Sean Penn. No actor has ever so completely captured a real figure. Ever.

(SHAWN SAYS: “No way- Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler! It’s still real to me, dammit!”)

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Heath Ledger. No actor has ever so completely captured Dick Cheney’s persona. Ever. And, amazingly, though both are dead, one manages to crawl out of the grave and appear on Fox News every once in awhile.

(SHAWN SAYS: “Robert Downey Jr. takes it running away. He’s been legally dead seven or eight times, that’s more than Heath and Cheney combined!”)

BEST ACTRESS: Kate Winslet. It takes great skill to play the stupidest woman who ever lived. (More on that later).

(SHAWN SAYS: “Marisa Tomei!”)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: I’m voting for Marisa Tomei because I know she’s in this category, not the Best Actress one, unlike Thinblood. I’m also going with Tomei because of the way she stomped her foot in that movie where Herman Munster was the judge. Yes, yes, I know that performance was a different year and she already won for that movie, but I don’t care.

(SHAWN SAYS: “Give her all the awards! The best stripping performance since Showgirls!”)

BEST MOVIE:
MILK. MILK. MILK. MILK. And yeah, I know Slumdog is supposed to win, and I loved Slumdog even though it was a purely sentimental piece of impossibility, but then, that’s what movies are all about.

(SHAWN SAYS: “Slumdog won’t win. They would have won if the movie had centered around the gameshow The Price Is Right- a classic. Not the dated Millionaire show. Can you imagine a high stakes ending that involves Plinko?”)

I LOVE PLINKO! And it's Jim's favorite game show, too. That’s stupid, Shawn. You didn't even choose a Best Movie. Just saying "Slumdog won't win" doesn't mean you win if it doesn't win.

But that gives me a chance to go on a rant about THE READER. I hated this movie.

Warning: Steve Spoiler Ahead!

You see, The Reader is fictional account of the stupidest woman on earth. It starts off where she (statutory) rapes a willing 15 year old naked boy (uncut!). But it’s okay because she’s a sympathetic Nazi prison guard who we’re
supposed to feel sorry for even though she was personally responsible for watching and facilitating the deaths of hundreds or thousands of human beings. Why?

Because, boo hoo, she can’t read.

So the other mean Nazi guards let her take the rap for an incident where hundreds of Jews died in a church fire, even though she was guilty anyway. And yes, that’s the actual plot. And that piece of crap was nominated for Best Picture. Be thankful it never showed in your town, Hemo.

And the best thing you’ve ever done is turn your blog over to me, by the way (which he did).

(SHAWN SAYS: “This was a bad idea, and why am I in parenthesis? Any final statements, Steve?”)

The Dark Knight got ripped off. So did every real film lover. I think it was because they didn't see it in imax. Well, I'm gonna be first in line to see WATCHMEN. I can tell you that.
—————————————

OK, I am back now. Thanks for pitching in Steve, we’ll see how it goes tonight. Good luck to you… you’re going to need it!

Positively Yours,
Shawn

Not a problem, but you forgot to predict the Best Picture. Oh, who cares. You'll probably just re-edit your blog to make it look like you picked all the winners, anyway.

Slumdog Millionaire: A Great Adventure/Romance.

If you're looking for great movies to see over the holiday weekend, please do not miss SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, which, alongside MILK, stands heads and shoulders above anything I've seen all year long.

The sheer scale and scope of Slumdog is staggering, especially for a smaller budget indie film which almost didn't get released until it started winning audience favorite awards at the film festivals -- and has now debuted to universally great praise. If it's not nominated for and Oscar for Best Movie, it not be because it doesn't deserve it.

The story, which takes place in India, but which is spoken mostly in English, is about a boy from the slums of India who is one question away from winning the top award on India's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." At the beginning of the movie, he gets arrested by the police and tortured to confess that somehow he's cheated the system.

But, see, as we learn about the boy and his life (through an ingenious plot device I won't reveal), it becomes apparent that there's nothing you can do to this kid worse than what he's already lived through.

And thus we are plunged into a world that is weirdly similar to the one Americans live in, and yet wholly foreign. A parallel universe that's alternately horrifying -- think modern day Oliver Twist with a horrendous man who uses and abuses children to make money -- and hilarious, such as the Indian phone bank school where everyone takes lessons to learn how to pretend they don't live in India.

At its heart, though, this is a love story and if you have even an inch of romance inside of you, you will, like me, be streaming tears. Does it have a happy ending? Well, I said it was a romance. But I am not going to tell you how it ends. And even if I did, it wouldn't take one single thing away from how it all works out.

Lastly, I've always been a sucker for movies that feature people who come from nowhere, who have to endure great hardship. They're so much more interesting that these endless TV shows featuring rich people whose biggest problem is whether to have the maid clean the ashtrays or do it themselves.

Bring your Kleenexes and do NOT let this movie pass by. Moviemaking and movie watching -- it doesn't get better than this.

Why "Twilight" is BAD for girls but GREAT for guys.

I just finished reading the first book in the "Twilight" series. I can summarize it easily:

Girl moves to new town.
Meets vampire boy.
Describes (endlessly) how beautiful vampire boy is.
The end.

So, as a reading experience, I found its crimson prose to be dull and obvious. However, given its sensational popular amongst young teen girls, it provides a valuable insight into the emotional, romantic and sexual fantasies of estrogen-based life forms (and that's not a put-down; I'm just stating a fact).

So, if "Twilight" is an accurate mirror, girls wants a guy who:

1. ...at first eye contact, forgets that he ever knew or met another living female. His life didn't START until he sees her.

2. ...a guy who is a loner, doesn't hang with the locker room crowd and has no friends... until he sees her.

3. ...has great breath. (This was one feature of the book that mystified me. She had to mention that he has great breath? Fascinating. A dead person with great breath.)

4. ...is the strongest human alive and could kill anyone, but he has the heart of Jesus and can't kill a fly, and if he does get out of hand, only she can talk him down.

5. ...will pledge to protect her eternally and be there for her, night or day.

6. ...will refuse to have sex with her because his passion for her is so great, it might kill her.

7. ...has infinite patience and complete understanding of estrogen-based mood swings. In fact, the crazier she gets, the more he loves her.

8. ...has the maturity of a man of 100 but is cute and naive, and shy.

9. ...has biceps and muscles of hard statuesque stone.

10. ...can't stop talking about how alive he is now that he's met her.

So, how is this bad for girls? Because it gives teen boys a roadmap into how to seduce teen girls. How? By imitating the above fantasy traits.

Let's see.

Stare directly into her eyes. Let her make the first moves. Keep your mouth shut. When she's completely insane, just smile and say you understand and love her anyway.

What else? Go to the gym. Don't join a sport. Don't joke with your male friends. Don't date any other girls until you've met "her."

Work out.

Oh, and take breath mints everywhere.

See how easy that is?

MILK -- A Great Movie Trailer.

The Gus Van Sant movie about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected politician, a man assassinated for nothing more than being gay and refusing to pretend otherwise, looks incredible. I actually began to tear up in the theater just watching it.

Filmed in San Francisco and featuring what appears to be a sensational performance from Sean Penn as Harvey Milk -- well, if the movie is as good as this trailer, this could sweep the Academy Awards. And I hope it is. And I hope it does.

Link to trailer in high definition.

And here it is on youtube:

Hemo2Homo Reviews The Dark Knight.

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review

Homo: Hemo, since it's taken you three weeks to see the movie, I'd like to elaborate on why I went on opening weekend. (And yes, reader, hemo is the reason this is so late).

Hemo: Take it away, sir.

Homo: Boy Wonder Drugs, I have been a comic book fanatic all my life, and it made me crazy that most of them have been so bad. Before, it would be a studio making a "comic book" movie. Campy or badly acted.
But the best super hero comics are deadly serious and very adult in their relationships, which is what makes them interesting. And too many Hollywood people think, "Comic book! Let's do something 'comic booky'."

Hemo: It's the opposite of the typical "AIDS movie", where no humor is allowed to enter.

Homo: Exactly. So, I'm amazed at how good The Dark Knight is on every level. Heath Ledger's Joker has already become iconic. I still live with the vivid image of him in that nurse's outfit, dancing in the parking lot of the hospital, pushing those buttons. It's indelible.

Hemo: Good God. Can you imagine showing up at the Infectious Disease Clinic and running into that guy?

Homo: Are you kidding? I'd PAY to see that. And the relief is that his actual death has nothing to do with the enjoyment of his performance, assuming one can truly "enjoy" watching a complete psychopath. He's so different from "Brokeback" where he was so totally authentic as a tight-jawed cowboy.

Patient adherence under Dr. Joker rose by 317%

Hemo: He was way more convincing than President Bush. What made his performance so striking?

Homo: Because I don't see him. I only see his character, this demented nutcase.

Hemo: I'm confused- are we talking about Heath Ledger or President Bush?

Homo: Good question.

Hemo: Heath was pretty badass... but one guy stole his thunder in the Dark Knight.

Homo: Who?

Hemo: Zeus.

Homo: Who?

Hemo: This guy.

Homo: A wrestler? You sat through this entire movie and the only thing that caught your attention was some old wrestler from 1989 who once starred in a movie with Hulk Hogan?

Hemo: It's Zeus. The human wrecking machine!

I really think they are setting him up as the next super villain. Zeus was only a nice guy in The Dark Knight to lull the audience into a false sense of security for the next time. It's a classic wrestling swerve-job, Homo.

Homo: You are a classic wrestling nutjob, Hemo. And as bad of a movie reviewer as you are, I used to think that at least, someday, you'd make a good straight dad. But now I hope you never sign up for those sperm washing appointments. You are one sack of DNA that does not need to be spread any farther.

Hemo: Why so serious? Wait- I know what this is about. This anger I sense in you- this darkness. And it has nothing to do with this guy.

Homo: Stop posting those things!

Hemo: You're still upset about our last review, The Happening? That I lied to you. What can I do to regain the trust that made the Hemo2Homo Connection great?

Homo: Well, the first thing I'd like you to do is to do what normal movie reviewers do. See the movie early enough that you're one of the first to be talking about it.

Hemo: I was going to see it, but I was kind of freaked out that Batman beat up his mother and sister in England. That was weirder than Heath being gone. And then I found out that "assault" in England means raising your voice at someone, which isn't very badass.

Plus, no one had mentioned that Zeus was in the damn thing.

Homo: Either way it doesn't matter: everyone has talked it to death, even the sorta "bad" parts, like Batman's dumb sounding raspy voice processing or the way The Joker managed to attract hordes of followers even though he killed everyone who ever worked for him.

Hemo: I bet he made up for the risk with a good dental plan. Wait, has anyone made fun of The Joker's dental hygiene yet? Or the guyliner that the Mayor of Gotham City wears?

Homo: I'm sure someone has. We're always late, thinblood. People move on because it takes so long for you to get your thinblooded ass to the movies.

Hemo: ... I guess you're right... but wait: isn't that a triumph of sorts?

Homo: What do you mean?

Hemo: That we can be late in 2008? That we survived AIDS and are in good enough health? We don't have to rush out on opening weekend to see a movie like we did back when Beaches came out. We can wait, make sure a movie is worth our beans, then go see it in a nice, peaceful and empty movie theatre, where we can truly absorb a film's every nuance.

Homo: You almost had me. We're late. And this thing is starting to get longer than the movie itself. And... Oh, god.

Hemo: What? What??

Homo: As much as it pains me, I just realized that you're a genius. By focusing on Zeus, we're the only reviewers to introduce a totally unique perspective on the movie!

Hemo: See? The world needs us, Steve. Even if we live to see ourselves become the villains we once fought.

Homo: You quoted the movie! Maybe there is hope for you yet.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.

Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review: Sex and The City

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
Homo: I'm a bad gay. A horrible homo. I don't like shoes or shopping. I don't like gossip and I don't like hearing people talk about their feelings. And now that I've suffered through 2 1/2 hours of it, where can I go to get my masculinity back?

Hemo: I'm a bad straight- I love to gossip, and watched most of this HBO series with Gwenn and two of our best (good gay) friends. So of course I was there for the movie, it was somewhat of an event in our household.

I know, I'm a bad straight.

Homo: I wouldn't have even gone to see this thing if not for you. And you said you liked it?

Hemo: Yes, there was humor, and remember, I'd just had the Spielberg/Lucas shitbomb of Indiana dropped on me. Maybe I just got Sex more, since I knew the characters from the TV show.

Homo: You don't understand. I watched the series. I'm not THAT bad of a homo.

Hemo: My bad, Homo.

Homo: No probleemo, Hemo. But a bad movie is a bad movie. Christ. Purses. Labels. Shoes. Shopping. More shopping. More labels. More shoes. What the hell is it with women and shoes? Those horrors cost $500?? And $500 for a damn purse??

Hemo: You have to remember: most people aren't dumping all of their money into expensive HIV medications like we are.

Homo: Right. Which is why I'm kicking myself for dumping money into Indiana and Sex...

Hemo: Wait, what about that next-door neighbor of Samantha's? They showed that dude's ass like 50 times!

Homo: Okay, you got me. Being an Internet Icon, I'd heard all about Mr. Next Door Neighbor before stepping foot into the theatre. He's the real reason I went to see it, not because you wanted me to.

Hemo: They showed that dude's ass like 50 times. And I got nothing! I was forced to go online and look for photos of Kristen Davis giving some guy a....

Homo: Hold your horses, Hemo!

Hemo: And I'm not even sure it was her.

Homo: The straight women and gay men this movie was made for don't care about you and your needs, thinblood. This is about us. But they did show Samantha in that sushi scene. That was kind, you know, um, fleshy?

Hemo: Kim Cattrall to the rescue again!

Kim Cattrall, modelling the latest in Gigantic Condom Headwear

That woman deserves to make five times what Sarah Jessica gets. She should have held out for more money.

Homo: There, you got Samantha. The next-door neighbor, as hot as he was, was still a straight dude. Except for the two hot guys who kissed in the first scene, what is up with the homofaguals in this series? Why is it that the only two gay men in the cast have the worst clothing and are the most repulsive looking characters on the screen?

Hemo: At least the movie had gay guys in it. Hemophiliacs have been on the cutting edge of fashion for years, and how are we rewarded? By not having one thinblood in the movie. C'mon!

The last time a hemo figured into a movie plot was the vampire film, The Thirst. The vampires fed on the thinblood, then some dude starting punching them and they all bled to death.

Homo: Wait. Is that a real movie? The vampires drank the blood of hemophiliacs and then bled to death from cuts? Genius.

Hemo: It was one thinblooded girl, but yes, it's real. Netflix it. (Careful, there are two vampire movies called "The Thirst", the one with the hemophiliac character in it also stars Jeremy Sisto.)

So, let's cut to the chase: how do you rate Sex & The City?

Homo: Well, I'll tell you the truth. It wasn't entirely my cup of tea, and I thought the plot had holes big enough to hold Sarah Jessica Parker's wardrobe, but I have to admit it was fun seeing the four girls together again. They're like comic book heroes when they walk together. So, I'll give it a very mild One Vein Up But Only For People Who Like This Kind Of Movie.

Hemo: I'm with you- the characters are interesting enough, though someone with clotting deficiencies would have added a nice dynamic. Still, I give the movie One-and-a-Half Veins Up.

Homo: I do: I also give one Special Vein Up for the guy next door.

Hemo: Gee, let me guess where that vein is located.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

Hemo2Homo: Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
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Homo: This lame-ass movie was best summed up by my partner, Jim Brochu, who called it "Mr. Chips & The Temple of Doom."

Hemo: Spielberg scored Erik Estrada? I think I missed that scene.

Homo: If you're gonna be a movie reviewer, you should pay more attention to the film, and really should try to see a movie made before you were born.

One with, like, dialogue and stuff.

Hemo: After seeing this clunker, I may take your advice. And I'm still trying to figure out why Harrison Ford looked older to me ten years ago... does that mean I'm, getting old?

Homo: Yes, you're getting old. Uh oh. It sounds like we have a sad meeting of the minds. I wasn't surprised by anything is in this movie.

Hemo: Really? You are so jaded that you weren't shocked by the re-emergence of Marc Almond of Soft Cell, riding in as Indiana Jones's son?

Homo: That wasn't Marc Almond of Soft Cell, thinblood.

Hemo: Oh. No Erik Estrada, no Marc Almond. Well, at least I can hang my Indy hat on Helen Marnie of Ladytron's star turn as the Commie S&M chick.

Homo: Helen who of what? And no, that wasn't her, either. That was the Academy Award-winning actress, Cate Blanchett! And they are called credits, koolaid-blood.

Those letters that scroll upward at the end of the movie.

Hemo: Those credit things are always my cue to start gathering up leftover candy in the aisles. I like action, but the lame-ass sword duel atop two jeeps riding through a jungle seem improbable at best.

Homo: Just one of many pointless action sequences. And CGI ants aren't scary anymore. Waiting for your viral load test results. Now that's scary!

Hemo: I hate CGI- it ruined I Am Legend. They should never do CGI monsters so long as Gary Busey is still breathing.

Homo: Agreed. In previous Indy movies, Spielberg would do something in the foreground to keep us from falling asleep during this crap, like the sequence around the dining table where they're eating giant bugs.

Hemo: Oh, yeah. That was such a cool scene. In this one, the bugs ate the people.

Homo: Actually, I think the script ate the people. And what was up with Blanchett's random Russian accent, which veered wildly across the continents and back again? And she wants a skull that will give her the ultimate powers of the universe?

Hemo: Remember, it's a skull made of crystals. And crystals are a girl's best friend.

Homo: Those are diamonds, numbnuts. As for the whole premise of Indiana Jones, I think they ccould have saved a lot of money and just shot the whole thing in one place: a Pier 1 Imports store. That would have explained all of the old married couple banter between Indy and his once-girlfriend.

Hemo: Maybe Spielberg has long-since shot his money wads? Maybe he needs, for lack of a better metaphor, a Hollywood-esque sperm-washing procedure?

Homo: It's not a bad idea. Hemo, in all seriousness, answer me this: Was there ever a moment in that theatre when you didn't know what was going to happen next?

Hemo: Well, I arrived 10 minutes late. That's why I missed Erik Estrada's scene.

Homo: I give up.

Hemo:...And at the Carmike there are two pathways, and one was so dark I couldn't even see what was blocking the path. I could hear the movie, but trying to figure out how to get the seats was pretty intriguing.

Homo: No! I meant a moment in the movie! But your story sounds more intriguing than the film itself... so, did you go to the other walkway? Or forge ahead into the darkness, where one wrong bump could send you to your untimely, bleeding doom?

Hemo: I went to the other one. Only to bump into a guy in a wheelchair who was blocking that path.

Homo: Ew, ew! Please tell me you tipped him! This is the best confrontation since Indy shot that dude with the sword in Raiders, or the Cripple Fight episode on South Park.

Hemo: No, I just apologized and stepped around him. Then took my seat. There was no one with a flashlight to help a thinblood out.

Homo: Your story had a lame ending, but was still better than the movie you so bravely pressed onward to see. Did you see National Treasure? Because there's a moment in Indy that I now call the "National Treasure Idiot Moment."

Our heroes go down into the treasure room. The girl sees a wooden rack filled with scrolls. She leans down and, without blinking, she announces, "Look! The lost scrolls from the Library of Alexandra!"

Hemo:That sounds awful.

Homo: "Crystal Skull" had one of those moments. I f you're going to steal from the movie that stole from you, at least steal the good parts.

Hemo: Yeah. It would be like two guys with AIDS stealing our movie-review bit, but only using your parts.

Homo: Hey, , watch it: I'm the smart one here, Mr. Quips. And don't forget who has the clotting factor, kid.

Hemo: You're starting to sound like Indiana Jones.

Homo: I'm not that old. I was really afraid you'd buy into the hype on this one. There may be hope for you yet, thinblood.

Hemo: Hey, thanks! So what's your final grade on Professor Jones?

Homo: I give Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull two bloodless veins down. You?

Hemo: Not enough "snapper" in Indiana's "whipper" this go around. I give it a Highly Detectable Viral Load of Crap rating.

Homo: Oh boy. See? This is why I can never die. You'd kill this review faster than this script killed off Indiana Jones.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

Hemo2Homo: 21 - The Movie Review

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review

Homo: I know we decided to see this movie because it's the 21st anniversary of your pet virus, but I didn't spend my hours counting cards. I spent them counting the minutes I would never get back. I'm beginning to think that anything these days with Kevin Spacey is sure to suck.

Hemo: Damn, I haven't bought my ticket yet- I'm thinking about folding this hand. The prequel craze is on tilt, anyway, and I for one do not need to know what happened before Jim Carrey's 23, thank you very much. Homo: No, bleeder. This one is based on a true story -- a book I read and enjoyed. But Hollywood took out all the reality.

Hemo: Isn't that what Hollywood's there for?

Homo: 21 is about a numbers genius from MIT who gets co-opted into becoming a member of a gang of card counters, one of which is the sexiest girl in school...

Hemo: I bet the Crips were shaking in their boots.

Homo: This gang flies over Compton on their way to Vegas, where they enjoy weekends of winning lots of money for Kevin Spacey. You can always count on Hollywood to make something better than reality.

Hemo: So why on Earth would a gang of pale-faces make money for Kevin Spacey?

Homo: Because he needs the dead Benjamins for Harvard and, apparently, the poor genius doesn't know how to fill out a form for a student loan.

Hemo: Well, he was probably too old to get a basketball scholarship.

Homo: What? No, nimrod: Kevin Spacey is the professor leading the gang, not a student member of the gang. It's the boy who becomes seduced by Vegas.

Hemo: What about the sexy girl? Homo: They have a G-Rated love scene.

Hemo: Let me guess... it happens in a hot tub at the Palms? I already saw that on the Real (Lame) World. So life is good for the pretty boy gang member, and...

Homo: Until he finally- shocker!- has a real bad night at the tables...

Hemo: ...and gets obsessed with the number 21, right? He puts all of Kevin Spacey's winnings -- plus everything he owns and cares about -- on the number 21 on the Roulette wheel... it spins, the ball pops around... and then... BAM! The number 23 comes up. Jim Carrey is the pit boss, you have to see the movie twenty-one times to notice him in the background, hence the name of the film.

Homo: Then Laurence Fishburn ties him to a chair and beats him up.

Hemo: The Crips to the rescue! I'm about to move All-In on this one and buy that ticket. It's the only way I'll understand 22 when it comes out.

Homo: No! Cash out now! Although 21 really makes me wonder what they'd do with our inspiring, real-life story of two guys with AIDS reviewing movies. And how we'd have to promote it: Did you see that Jim Carrey had to dress in an elephant outfit at American Idol to promote Horton Hears a Who?

Hemo: I missed that major step down from talking out of one's bunghole. I bet Hollywood would call our story Homo Hears a Hemo. It would be about a world of gay men who ignore the plight of the platelet-challenged...

Homo: ... until the pink homo with big ears- me!- stands by his side. Craddling the fragile hemo close to his chest. Hemo: Yes! Brother to brother, they stand back to back, fending off the haters and counting out their life-saving HIV pills instead of cards. Homo: And Hollywood film producers would count their cash and continue the fine tradition of turning a great book into a crappy film.

Hemo: Speaking of great books, our review of The Hours really made My Pet Virus. Now available at your local bookstore!

Homo: Sales a bit slow?

Hemo: You nailed it. So, what's your final say on the movie 21? Do you think people without AIDS will respond the same way you did?

Homo: Yes. And I'd rather play Russian Roulette in a giant pink elephant costume then have to see this one again.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Virus Boy Gets Shot Down

The Oscarcast produced a sudden silence in Positoid Land. Then I got a mysterious message telling me to check out Shawn (AKA Hemo) Decker's blog.

Seems that he really DOES have thin blood!

BWAHAHAHAHA!

Drag Queen Workshop

Joe.My.God posted a hilarious video this morning promoting the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival. Then posted a link to this one: The Drag Queen Workshop. (Created by David Quantic.) I couldn't resist:

The Wizards of Oz

My friend David Ehrenstein pointed me to this absolutely wonderful article about the writing of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." If you're a songwriting geek like me, or a movie geek or a Judy Garland geek, this is a delicious find. The article should be read in its entirety because it brings out some fascinating details about the entire score, mainly that, unlike most movie or stage musicals of the time, the songs actually propel the plot and reveal character.

All the Oz score was lacking, as Arlen and Harburg moved into the final week of their contract, was the song that would establish their main character, a spunky but discontented 12-year-old girl from Kansas named Dorothy. Narrative shows of the post-Oklahoma! Golden Age of American musicals usually had a song up front in which the main character told the audience what he or she was yearning for. It became such a formula that it was known as the “I want” song: Think of “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?” from My Fair Lady, or “Somebody, Somewhere” from The Most Happy Fella. Years before this convention became established, Arlen and Harburg knew they needed a similar kind of musical introduction to Dorothy’s character, before her adventures spin her into Oz. It would “ground” her character before the overwhelming pageant of fantasy commandeered the story. This was an important song—it was no “lemon drop” song (although, ironically, it was the only song in the score to literally refer to them). The studio clock was ticking, inspiration was eluding Arlen and Harburg, and it was driving them both nuts.

Harburg had some ideas, but didn’t want to push them too hard on Arlen. As he told Morley Safer in a 60 Minutes interview in 1978, “I didn’t want to box him in, because when you give [a composer] a few words, a great musician like Harold Arlen starts to accommodate you.” Left to his own devices, Arlen was pulling out his carefully coiffed hair trying to find a way into the song. Frustrated with his lack of progress one night, he asked his wife to come to Grauman’s Chinese Theater to catch a movie instead. As he told an interviewer in 1963, his wife was driving the car and “as we drove by Schwab’s Drugstore, I said ‘Pull over—please.’ And bless the muses, I took out my notebook and starting jotting down the melody.” When he played the melody for Harburg the next day, Harburg said that he knew from the first eight bars that “it was not a lollipop song.” It was, however, a problem.

The melody was rangy, with its first two notes an octave apart, and Arlen had played it with a particularly symphonic intensity. Harburg recalled his first comment:

My God, Harold, it’s for a twelve-year-old girl—it isn’t for Nelson Eddy! And I got frightened—‘Let’s save it, let’s save it for something else’, I told him. He was crestfallen, as he should be. ‘Let’s put it away for another day.’ Well, we kept trying and trying for another week. I was worried for him and I called Ira Gershwin over and Ira said, ‘Harold, could you play it in more of a pop style?’

That did the trick. It was an intense, sophisticated song for a 12-year-old, but Dorothy Gale was, of course, no ordinary 12-year-old. She was, recalled Harburg in a 1963 interview, “a little girl in Kansas, which is an arid, colorless place, almost no flowers there because it’s so dry. The only thing in her life that was colorful, I thought, was the rainbow.”

In turning to the rainbow as a metaphor for happiness, Harburg also drew on decades of American songs. In 1918, a minor Broadway show, Oh, Look!, gave the world a major tune, “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows”, one of the most popular of its day. (Its closing lyric runs, “I’m always chasing rainbows./ Waiting to find a little bluebird in vain.”) Ten years later, Billy Rose and David Dreyer contrived a popular hit, “There’s a Rainbow Around My Shoulder”, for Al Jolson around a similar theme. The trope had become so common that by 1932 Irving Berlin invoked it affectionately as part of a catalogue of songwriting clichés in “Let’s Have Another Cup o’ Coffee” from his Broadway show, Face the Music. Its refrain runs:

Just around the corner There’s a rainbow in the sky. So let’s have another cup o’ coffee And let’s have another piece o’ pie!

Why would Yip Harburg, a man of considerable imagination, take yet another drink from such an oft-dipped well? Part of it was his conviction that the rainbow image would be useful for the rest of the picture—especially if the Kansas sequences were shot in sepia tone while Oz used all the colors of the rainbow. (This idea had originated with Herman J. Mankiewicz, one of the first writers to tackle the screenplay.) Also, Harburg must have intuited that such an image would have seemed ridiculous and corny if were sung by, say, a Manhattan cigarette girl singing on a penthouse balcony. But for an untutored farm girl from Kansas, living in some indeterminate point early in the 20th century, the very predictability of the rainbow image speaks to her old-fashioned values and lack of pretense. And after all, mightn’t Dorothy’s Auntie Em have sung “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows” to her at bedtime, once as a lullaby?

Harburg had a hard time wrapping his first lyrical ideas around Arlen’s first few notes—“on the other side of the rainbow” was quickly discarded. Eventually the songwriting process went smoothly, but the evolving song needed a “bridge”—a variation in the tune after the first two verses. Harburg suggested that Arlen employ the strange little whistle he used to call his often errant dog. This became the accompaniment to “Someday I’ll wish upon a star/ And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.” Ira Gershwin then suggested reprising “If happy little bluebirds fly . . .” as a final tag, and thus was the work of “Over the Rainbow” concluded by its two collaborators, Arlen and Harburg.