Saturday, November 22, 2008

Why "Twilight" is BAD for girls but GREAT for guys.

I just finished reading the first book in the "Twilight" series. I can summarize it easily:

Girl moves to new town.
Meets vampire boy.
Describes (endlessly) how beautiful vampire boy is.
The end.

So, as a reading experience, I found its crimson prose to be dull and obvious. However, given its sensational popular amongst young teen girls, it provides a valuable insight into the emotional, romantic and sexual fantasies of estrogen-based life forms (and that's not a put-down; I'm just stating a fact).

So, if "Twilight" is an accurate mirror, girls wants a guy who:
1. ...at first eye contact, forgets that he ever knew or met another living female. His life didn't START until he sees her.

2. ...a guy who is a loner, doesn't hang with the locker room crowd and has no friends... until he sees her.

3. ...has great breath. (This was one feature of the book that mystified me. She had to mention that he has great breath? Fascinating. A dead person with great breath.)

4. ...is the strongest human alive and could kill anyone, but he has the heart of Jesus and can't kill a fly, and if he does get out of hand, only she can talk him down.

5. ...will pledge to protect her eternally and be there for her, night or day.

6. ...will refuse to have sex with her because his passion for her is so great, it might kill her.

7. ...has infinite patience and complete understanding of estrogen-based mood swings. In fact, the crazier she gets, the more he loves her.

8. ...has the maturity of a man of 100 but is cute and naive, and shy.

9. ...has biceps and muscles of hard statuesque stone.

10. ...can't stop talking about how alive he is now that he's met her.
So, how is this bad for girls? Because it gives teen boys a roadmap into how to seduce teen girls. How? By imitating the above fantasy traits.

Let's see.

Stare directly into her eyes. Let her make the first moves. Keep your mouth shut. When she's completely insane, just smile and say you understand and love her anyway.

What else? Go to the gym. Don't join a sport. Don't joke with your male friends. Don't date any other girls until you've met "her."

Work out.

Oh, and take breath mints everywhere.

See how easy that is?
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