Tales From The Bonus Round: The Package Pt. 2

TALES FROM THE BONUS ROUND
L.A. MAY 1996

Previous entry: The Package Pt. 1

The knock on the door seems so dramatic in retrospect
But he barely mentioned it in his diary
The Crixivan was just another drug
In a long line of drugs

Another punishment
In a long line of punishments

Instead, he wrote about his friends

A woman he nursed after she got too drunk at the ASCAP Awards

And the strangers
Who were slowly discovering him
And each other
On this new thing: The Internet

About "Bro. Jerry,"
A minister who used his lyrics
Going It Alone
In a sermon
Because a parishioner's son had died of AIDS

A sermon?

It had been years since he had even been inside a church
He thought of himself as the
Worst of the Worst kind of human being
Ashamed and angry and pissed off at churches

Why would a minister use the writings
Of a queer dying of AIDS?
In the pulpit

About meeting, online,
A 20-year old straight boy with AIDS
Named Shawn Decker
The Positoid

He wrote about his ears
Now painfully blocked up

About strangers whose lovers were dying

Locally, his music and his diary were being discovered
LA legend, Al Martinez in the LA Times
Before running it, he mentioned the song
CONNECTED
"Are you SURE that was Anson Williams [Potsie]
In the Waiting Room?"

(Later, he would make a primitive video
where he unsuccessfully tries to lip sync.)

It was almost in passing,
That he mentioned the package arriving
The FedEx knock at the dorr
He had almost forgotten about it because
Of mix-ups in the paperwork

Crixivan arrived May 22, 1996

He simply wrote that he had to take it on an empty stomach
And another drug on a full stomach

"..if I take the Crixivan at 6, 2, and 10, then I'd have to eat (and take the Saquinavir) at 7, 3 and 11. LUNCH AT 3? Dinner at 11? But I suppose I could eat lunch at 12, take a snack at 3 with the Saquinavir, dinner at 7, Crixivan at 10, and eat a snack with the Saquinavir at 11..."

But would any of it work?
Nothing had, so far
But he was determined to work it
He was a happily compliant patient

Meanwhile, he was wasting away
Nobody wanted to say it out loud
But he was dying

His doctor decided to put him on TPN
Total Parenteral Nutrition

He was being tortured by a daily friend
The Thing That's Killing Me
(complete with link)
Because his digestive system had just stopped working

He was wearing diapers

TPN, someone said,
Is what they give people just before they die
To give them a few weeks
To say goodbye to friends and relatives

A PICC line insertion into his veins
Which terrified him
Needles!
Nutrition infused directly into his blood

Meanwhile, the would-be producers of his musical
Are demanding rewrites to the score
Jim was starting on his fourth draft of the book
And they still had no theater and no money

Finally, the PICC line was inserted into his arm
A tube ran up his vein to his heart
He was ready to be fed

Then, a foul-up in his health insurance
He had the line in his arm
But no way to get the food

So, he drove to the agency and,
Sick as a dog, was herded
From one window to the next
Until someone gave him a phone number
"Another phone number?"

His arm throbbed.
His ears were blocked.
His stomach hurt.
His diaper felt moist.
The pay phone didn't work.

He desperately raced home
On the phone, paged through the system
Until he found a human voice
A woman
A voice that actually helped him
He fell in love with her
The nutrition would arrive the next day

Exhausted, his newly-ported arm throbbing,
He laid down to sleep

"I had this really weird dream last night, too. The weirdest I've had in a long time. Some dictator had taken over and we knew him and he wanted something from us. But I didn't have any AIDS meds left so I got sicker and started dying. The weird part is that I smiled at the thought that I'd thwart his plans by dying. I was triumphing in death."

It was his and Jim's 11th anniversary



NEXT: Things start to change. Plus, a little accident in front of Tim Curry.

Hemo2Homo review: BRUNO

THE BRUNO REVIEW

HOMO: I know why you wanted to see this. Big homosexual terrorizes the public at large! It's because you thought it was a horror film -- "Saw" for straight men.

HEMO: Actually I thought Bruno was the a wrestling biopic for Bruno Sammartino. When I found out it wasn't, I decided not to go.

HOMO: You flaked on me again?

HEMO: I was totally busy this past weekend, playing an HIV benefit with my synthpop trio. MAC artists were there, and they totally made me up in guyliner, check it out.

HOMO: Mmmmm, hmmmm... say, what band did you meet through the Make-A-Wish Foundation back in 1990? Was that Guns N' Roses? Motley Crue? Bananarama?

HEMO: No, Depeche Mode. What are you getting at?

HOMO: Well, I don't want to say you look a little gay or anything, but not even Bruno wore that much eyeliner... When I first heard that there would be this insane movie about a totally exaggerated, offensive gay stereotype running around scaring straight people, I was waiting for the scene where he asks Carrie Prejean about gay marriage and then calls her names in an insane rant equal only to "Leave Britney alone."

HEMO: Leave Hemo alone!

HOMO: But it wasn't Perez Hilton they were talking about- it was that fake Austrian oversexed sissy who once asked a skinhead, "Are there any of you who aren't gay?"

HEMO: Not even Bruno Sammartino would say that to a skinhead.

HOMO: I thought, "What could Bruno do that's worse than Perez, a guy who makes Ross the Intern look like Johnny Carson?"

HEMO: Wait- did the Latoya Jackson scene make it in? He asked her to talk like Michael because that way he could say he interviewed the legend.

HOMO: NO! See what I mean? This is Bruno Lite. They took that scene out. It doesn't matter. After seeing the film, I realized that it has the same plot as the Kathy Griffin Show, trying to get famous every week, except Life on the D List is much, MUCH gayer.

HEMO: That's one of my favorites. On the most recent episode, she went off on Reagan for not saying "AIDS" for so long after someone gave her a jelly bean.

HOMO: See, she's a lot funnier than Bruno, who's a bit of a hum ho. I mean if you're gonna do shock comedy, does anyone really think that Bruno is even REMOTELY as outrageous as Divine...

HEMO: What does that hooker that Hugh Grant banged a decade ago have to do with this?

HOMO: Okay, maybe you're not gay, thinblood. John Waters' Divine, who picked up a piece of dog crap and ate it, and who chained prostitutes in the basement, got them pregnant and then sold the babies to lesbian couples. Is there ANYTHING in Bruno REMOTELY as wild as that?

My biggest problem with Bruno is that very few of the people they ridicule are showing homophobia. Most of them are just reacting to someone putting a dildo in their face in public, or someone who would trade a baby for an iPod. You don't have to be homophobic to hate that. I don't know who he's skewering.

Or does it matter?

HEMO: It matters. I would have been there on opening night if his MTV Movie Awards show stunt with Eminem wasn't totally staged. I mean, it makes sense to drop your balls in a rapper's face unexpectedly, right? Em was great, acting offended, but he and MTV were in on the whole thing.

Which means that, despite Bruno's balls being in Eminem's face, the entire stunt had no real balls to speak of.

HOMO: Exactly. Hell, even the big scene at the end with all the wrestlers going nuts over "a same sex kiss." Well, no. It wasn't a kiss. It was a full-on sex scene with a guy who wasn't that cute. I was just as turned off by it as the so-called redneck haters.

HEMO: So, you think they were rioting because they found out they weren't starring in Bruno Sammartino?

HOMO: I don't know. How cute is he? Given how gay wrestling is -- big sweaty guys, doing S&M sex for pay -- I wouldn't want to miss that.

HEMO: Here he is.

HOMO: Never mind.

HEMO: So, how do you rate Bruno?

HOMO: Kinda funny, but not as gay, or as edgy, as the Republican Senate.

Steve's Pick: If you want to see the scariest movie of the year, go see "The Hurt Locker." It's only showing in parts of the country, but this is the movie that will have you on the edge of your seat, and should be nominated for best movie Oscar.

The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.

The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for much longer than that.

Steve Schalchlin ("Homo") resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker ("Hemo") lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

Hemo2Homo Review: Star Trek

The STAR TREK Review

HEMO: Seen any good movies recently, Hemo?

HEMO2031: Why yes, I have. Star Trek. Did you see it as well, Hemo?

HEMO: I did. And, overall, I enjoyed this film. Star Trek is the best Space AIDS movie since Starship Troopers.

HOMO: Shawn, who the hell are you talking to?

HEMO: I'll tell you- in the future. For now, just know that I'm tired of being the young, wide-eyed half of this movie duo. You and I have been working together for 10 years now, and you always get to play the part of "Wise Sage Steve", or "Mr. Movies" as they call you on the streets of Hollywood...

HOMO: No one has ever called me that.

HEMO: Not my point. My point is- I've survived over twenty years with HIV. But no matter how much older I get, you age at the same rate!

HOMO: Did you learn that heady stuff from Star Trek? What the hell is HEMO2031?

HEMO: It's me, 22 years from now. That makes HEMO2031 your current age- 55. He/me is your equal. And I brought him back from the year 2031 to review Star Trek with me.

HOMO: This will be fun to watch.

HEMO2031: Nice to meet you, Steve.

HEMO: I call him "Homo".

HEMO2031: In the year 2031 calling a gay man "Homo" is a crime that is punishable by death. If you don't mind, I'll call Steve "Steve".

HOMO: He doesn't mean anything by it, Hemo2031. I call him "Hemo." Is that okay?

HEMO2031: Sure- but no one will know what you're talking about in the year 2031, because hemophilia will be cured by then.

HOMO: Ha! Hear that, Hemo? Your kind will be extinct, and my kind will rule the Earth!

HEMO: This isn't going how I planned. Look, this is all fascinating stuff about the future, really, but can we get back to Star Trek?

HOMO: Did you see the coming attractions? Previews are starting to feel longer than twenty-two years. This time, there was a long live-action version of that puppet film, Team America, complete with a fake Eiffel Tower being destroyed by some guys dressed like Iron Man who fight some multi-colored robots from outer space who are also attacking the Vatican.

It was called G.I. Transforminator.

HEMO: The G.I. Joe guys in those suits look like the NFL robots.

HOMO: Hey, Hemo2031, if you're from the future, then you've already seen this flick. Any good?

HEMO2031: It will be deemed a classic of all time and they'll pass a law that all movies must be sequels to G.I. Transforminator.

HOMO: With nothing but robots as characters? That will be the end of the AIDS movie as we know them. Will there be a Hemo2Homo Connection in 2031? My God- I'll be 77. Will I be... alive?

HEMO2031: Yes, and yes. But the Hemo2Homo Connection will only review Michael Bay directed G.I. Transforminator movies from the year 2012 on, when President Jeb Bush signs the Michael Bay Act into law.

HOMO: That sounds like a fate far worse than death to me.

HEMO: ... so no more movies about AIDS? We should really cherish Star Trek.

HOMO: You really see this as an AIDS movie? I thought you'd see it as a horror movie! It started right at the beginning with Kirk sitting at a table with Kleenex stuffed up his bloody nose. Then came Kid Spock kicking some other Vulcan kid's ass... just like they used to beat you up in school just to watch you bleed! Fortunately, Spock's blood is green and not all AIDS-y like yours.

HEMO: I was too distracted by the green-skinned bimbo to notice the green blood. It wasn't until Spock's planet was destroyed that it all clicked for me. "There's only 10,000 Vulcans remaining," Spock said. An obvious reference to the 1980's blood scandal and The Committee of Ten Thousand.

HOMO: So this isn't just an AIDS movie? It's a thinblooded AIDS movie? Geesh. Hey, I wonder if they have Vulcan blood clogger-upper or if AIDS can be transmitted into copper-based blood? HEMO2031, any answers?

HEMO: I have a confession to make: I made up the HEMO2031 thing.

HOMO2031: Past me forgives you.

HEMO2031: Past me accepts.

HEMO: I can't imagine how cranky you'll be about movies at age 77, Homo. So what did you like most about Star Trek?

HOMO: I loved how the other characters on the bridge who channeled the spirit of the originals--and not just like extras. Each of them showing motivation, strength, innocence and fortitude. Not as much as us, and our ability to survive with AIDS. But close.

HEMO: The cast is great. My only beef with Star Trek was the CGI snow creatures scene, and the hanging on by the fingernails scenes. I hate those kinds of things in any movie, especially in one where you care about the characters. I'd rather have seen young Spock having a private conversation with his lady than watch Kirk narrowly cheat death. Again.

HOMO: Yeah, note to directors out there: The word "cliffhanger" is a metaphor. Still, you gotta give it up for a Hollywood movie with actual characters. They must have hired a gay. It's the only explanation.

HEMO: It's the only explanation for not seeing Green Alien Bimbo's ta-tas.

HOMO: Kirk did look good in his undies in that scene. Maybe his not-so-light saber and her green boobs will be in the extras on the DVD? But Star Trek was just like the Hemo2Homo Connection... it was funny! This movie made me laugh out loud again and again. It felt like the real Star Trek, not like that tired Wolverine farce.

As for the rest of the summer, I'm already tired of G.I. Transforminator.

HEMO2031: Just wait until the year 2017, when you're reviewing G.I. Transforminator 29: Rise Again of the Machines Again.

HOMO: Please, AIDS, take me now?

The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.

The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for much longer than that.

Steve Schalchlin ("Homo") resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker ("Hemo") lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

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Hemo2Homo Connection: Wolverine

The X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE Review

Hemo: Hey Homo, everyone’s all like, “Have you seen Star Trek? Have you? Huh?” It’s a recession, and I’m still counting my dollars trying to figure out if I’m going to see the Wolverine movie…

Homo: I’ve never been so disappointed in a movie in my life.

Hemo: See? Good thing I didn’t rush out to see Star Trek…

Homo: No, I’m talking about Wolverine. You know, positoid, that I am a lifelong X-Men fan. Growing up, they were the superhero gays that I couldn’t be. I even put this into a song in The Big Voice. The first two X-Men movies were so good, especially the second one, because the filmmaker knew what most comic readers know: It ain’t about the action. It’s about the characters.

Hemo: Yes! That’s why Watchmen was so good.

Homo: Exactly. Your mutant abilities are finally forming, Hemo. But in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they manage to take all the mystery out of Wolverine, reducing him to a whiny little bitch, running around afraid of his big, bad older brother…

Hemo: Maybe in part two of Origins they reveal that Wolverine was born a Thinblood? It’s scary being a little brother with a bleeding disorder, knowing that at any time your big bro can erase you from existence.

Homo: That’s how it is for all little brothers. In this, he’s trying so hard to be a nice guy: THAT IS NOT WOLVERINE. That’s a whiny little bitch who hates being all mean and stuff. Where’s the fun? Where are the wisecracks? WHERE IS WOLVERINE??

So, having drained all the blood out of Wolverine, we’re treated to a movie that looks like it was made from stock footage from other “action movies” with Hugh Jackman’s face painted on the “hero.”

Tacky, dull, stodgy.

Not only that, but it’s the kind of movie where you are saying the cliched lines of dialogue along with the actors on the screen because there’s not a single original thought being expressed. And, but, for an origin story, we don’t really learn anything about what drives him. There’s a generic falling in love story. Bad guys kill the girl / must get revenge plot. But you don’t really know the girl and you don’t really fall in love with their relationship.

Have I mentioned how angry this makes me?

Hemo: Not to my knowledge.

Homo: Wolverine is a great character. It’s not right for him to be the SECOND BADDEST GUY in the story. And who’s the bigger, badder guy? My most unfavorite character in the Marvel Universe whose “power” is that his fingernails grow really long. I saw that on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t need it in a super not-quite-villain whose motivations are also fuzzier than a homeless man’s belly button.

Shall I tell you how much I loathed this movie, Hemo?

Hemo: Be like the old Wolverine, don’t pull any punches!

Homo: I walked out during the end credits. Not because of low t-cells or anything- I just didn’t care about the extra scene.

Hemo: Sounds like this film should be sent off on the Starship Enterprise, to be reviewed in a future not so far away by the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys. Thanks for saving me some money, sorry your heroes let you down.

Hemo2Homo review: KNOWING (with spoilers)

Homo: Hemo, I hear you’re home sick.

Hemo: Pesky little cold. Sorry I couldn’t make it to a movie this weekend. But I did make this killer movie poster…

Homo: Nice work!

And that’s OK- I’ll entertain you by telling you about what I saw. Nic Cage’s deliciously bad new movie might be as bad as the last M. Night movie. In fact, I’m going to tell you the entire movie so that I can save you those two and a half hours of your precious life.

Hemo: Please, I just have a cold. Enough friends already thinking I’m dying of AIDS here… It’s just a cold, dammit!

Homo: … or is it?

Hemo: Seriously, you were saying something about a movie? Nic Cage- let me guess, he has a peculiar expression on his face throughout most of the film?

Homo: Just like the audience who sat through this one. You couldn’t have a better weekend to catch that death plague of yours. I will say this: if you enjoy hearing a woman shriek, you’ll like this movie.

Hemo: … I just got a little bit hard.

Homo: Not that kind of shrieking, thinblood. This shrieking isn’t for any good reason; it’s a generic “helpless
female” role designed to make Nic Cage look even more butch than he
already thinks he is — and boy does he get butch as an astrophysicist.

Hemo: Wasn’t he one of those in that last thing he did? International Treasurer? He hasn’t branched out since Valley Girl, my fave Cage flick of all time.

Homo: National Treasure, bleeder. But Nic’s really tough in this one. He hits a tree with a baseball bat to keep a roving pack of Gothic Sting lookalikes away from his kid.

Hemo: Makes sense- gothic kids hate baseball.

Homo: As excruciating as it was, its basic concept and execution are so far off the edge of kookoo that I’m starting to like it in retrospect. Before I go any further…CAUTION TO READERS: I will reveal everything about this movie. Do not read this if you don’t want to know the plot and/or ending of this movie.

Hemo: They already stopped reading. So tell me more about the goth kids- you know I have a small goth following?

Homo: They’re just waiting for you to die. In this movie, these skinny, black-clad male models mysteriously hang out in the woods. They turn out to be aliens on a gay planet filled with Sting look-alikes. I think I rented that once already, only it was in one of those dark book stores your mama warns you about and it cost 25 cents per minute.

Hemo: The true sign of being old is having ever paid for porn.

Homo: Nic Cage is getting up there. But he retains his youth by jumping onto a speeding subway and protecting a woman from getting crushed in a big CGI crash sequence by just crouching over her. I guess this was to protest the fact that he didn’t get to play Superman?

Hemo: Why did you see this thing? I was unknowing of Knowing; never heard a thing about it.

Homo: I never miss a macho physicist movie. The plot, such as it is, is about the End of All There Is. There’s a page of numbers, which turn out to contain Big Spooky Movie Secrets that have Hidden Mysterious Meanings.

And, of course, there are two adorable children who talk to the Gay Goth Aliens, referring to them as “the whisper people.” Red herrings abound in act one along with A LOT OF BORING DIALOGUE, but there is a semi-cool plane crash (featured in the ads), complete with stunt guys running around on fire, the subway crash that’s very obviously CGI (also featured in the ads), and… Hemo?

Hemo: *sleeping*

Homo: Oh, dear. And I haven’t even gotten to the stupid parts. It has one of the most asinine out of left field endings ever, complete with little kids holding bunny rabbits for some inexplicable reason… Hemo? You know what? I’ll spare you all the ending. You might be up late some night and if nothing else is on…

Anyway, my score for this movie: Two weary red-eyes closed. I guessing Hemo here would second that if he were awake.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The creators met online in 1996, and
posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV
for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones
for longer than that.

Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

WATCHMEN: Reviewed by Hemo2Homo.

HEMO2HOMO REVIEWS WATCHMEN

Hemo: You know, Homo, I was worried when you said you wanted to review a film called Watch Men... thought we were moving into the realm of gay porn.

Homo: You know what's funny, Hemo, is that all my straight friends made this same joke.

Hemo: What wasn't funny was the one thing that almost ruined this movie for me: straight dudes. Anytime a penis appeared onscreen, a few groups of twenty-something "straight guys" felt the need to audibly gasp or giggle.

Homo: I did think that for a CGI penis, Dr. Manhattan's naughty bit did seem to have a little life in it. Oddly, though, it also seemed perfectly natural -- like seeing a big blue Greek statue. This is a character who has more or less risen beyond his humanity, so little things like blue dangly bits don't really factor into his universe of awareness.

Hemo: If I had Dr. Manhattan's powers, my blue penis would have been the size of Manhattan. Hey, didn't you think he was the "positoid" of the movie? Society made him feel so bad about the risk of spreading his "cancer", that he isolates himself emotionally.

Homo: But can you be a positoid if you have no blood?

Hemo: You're tripping me out. Hey, did your partner in crime (crime being life), Jim, see this one with you?

Homo: No, Jim's in Florida doing his Zero Mostel show. Here's a photo.

Hemo: Badass!

Homo: Jim saw the movie and it passed his "butt test." And he HATES long ones...

Hemo: That's why he's with you.

Homo: Long movies, bleeder... anyway, Jim is not a geek like me, and he said this almost three-hour movie came and went before he realized it was over. So, he was completely engrossed. Did Gwenn see it with you?

Hemo: No, this trip to the movies was a sausage fest. And I'm with Jim- I get lost in long movies, too. People assume AIDS is the worst thing that ever happened to me, but that's not true... it was having to sit through a long movie.

Homo: Which one?

Hemo: Meet Joe Black- part of me never left that theater back in '98. I thought The Dark Knight was underserved by extending the movie by twenty minutes.

Homo: Totally agree. It didn't really give us all that much to think about. But it was fun.

Hemo: Unlike the Knight, Watchmen did not leave me looking at my watch.

Homo: That's called "pacing", young one. Every scene gave you a ton of information. And the characters were terrific! Jackie Earl Haley as Rorschach is The Anti-Joker...

Hemo: I thought his name was Horshack?

Homo: Honestly. Two lame jokes in one review? Rorschach is insane and enjoys inflicting pain, but unlike Horshack, who does it with his whiny voice, Rorschach has a raspy nihilistic tone. And unlike The Joker, he is a moralist. So, the torture only goes to those he believes deserves it.

Hemo: The blood in this film surprised me as a hemophiliac. Not since Sweeney Todd have I enjoyed such grand cinematic plasma fix!

Homo: It runs in the sewers! And Rorschach in prison is worth the price of admission. That sabersaw incident (which I won't describe) matches anything in "Saw." You definitely get your money's worth of grisly gore.

Hemo: (somberly) You know, I'd like to think that- if I had more clotting factor- I could put together a suit and go out and fight crime...

Homo: Please let me dwell for a moment on what your costume would look like. I know! Paint your pee pee red and go naked! (It's the homo in me. I had to go there.) But seriously, as fellow positoids, we are bound together by our blood and purpose so that others aren't afraid of our kind. I saw Watchmen as a symbol of our abiding friendship as competitive good guys making things right in the world.

Hemo: ... so, am I a super hero?

Homo: Yes, but the only thing you bomb people with is your jokes.

A warning to our readers: Watchmen is a violent, complex, adult drama. It is not a "Let's get together and fight the bad guy" kind of movie, though they describe, in the film, that that's how super heroes in costumes started -- cops dressing up in reaction to bad guys dressing up like gangs.

Hemo: I also enjoyed the dark tone of the movie, how the lines were constantly being blurred. It's like watching the Today show, you don't know who the bad guy is, or if there even is one.

Homo: It plays like a novel. Dense, intelligent and captivating. In fact I went to see it a second time and liked it even more. There's so much in this movie, you can't get it all the first time.

Hemo: Kind of like a Hemo2Homo Connection review, right?

Homo: Only if someone reads my parts.

Hemo: Yeah, yeah. Enjoy your insults while you can, thickblood. I'm off to go work on that red pee pee suit. There are bigger things out there in the world for me to do than review movies. You haven't seen the last of me, Rorschachlin! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Is this the end of the Hemo2Homo Connection? Will Shawn return as a masked avenger, and try to take over the Hemo2Homo Connection once and for all? Tune in next time to find out!


-------------------------------------
Steve's addendum: Since I really liked this movie so much, I'd like to publish some additional thoughts after having seen it again. The best review I've read of "Watchmen" --the one I most agree with -- is here written by Andrew O'Hehir. To tell you the truth, I'm a little peeved at the negative tone of many of the reviews, dismissing this intelligent, thoughtful and complexly difficult film outright as if it were a piece of fluff. That's just too easy. For one thing, you have Alan Moore's full permission. (He's the rebellious author of the source material, a comic series now available as a graphic novel, who has refused all royalties or even allow his name on the credits). And for another, no one can convert a great work into another great work. One will always be a pale imitation of the other.

But, taken on its own terms, I think "Watchmen," the film, is, for me, a towering artistic achievement -- and just like all towering achievements, it's going to be loathed with great scorn. It's not a light hearted "entertainment," even though I found it riveting from start to finish. People who go to this looking for the airy vapidity of the "Fantastic Four" movie are going to be shocked. Not even Tarrantino is this grisly.

More, plot and characterization aside, it's a stunningly beautiful movie. From the opening montage, which details the history of super heroes (in this alternate timeline of history where super heroes help win the VietNam war and Nixon is on his third term), through the use of stylized publicity shots done in frieze, I knew I was in for a visual feast. This is real moviemaking. An epic scale telling a small story.

And, blessedly, it's not merely an endless series of chase scenes and fights. It has terrific dialogue and deeply emotional characters with full life stories behind them.

It would have been easy to just dumb this story down and thin it out into a messy gruel (wait for the sequel for that), like they did with "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen," but no. Director Zach Snyder stayed faithful to the humor and pulpy tone of the original and turned out a living novel that paces itself slowly and lets this dystopian world imprint itself into your brain.

Lastly, for a piece written 20 years ago, it seems terribly relevant to how the world still feels today as the media continues to paint a world on the brink of annihilation. We're fed a steady stream of THINGS TO BE AFRAID OF and we start thinking that this is the reality of the world. But it's not. That's a narrative that's been created and developed over a period of time.

Just like "Watchmen."

More links: Alan Moore, who created and wrote the original Watchmen, talks extensively about the role of super heroes and comic books in this stimulating and tough interview. It's well worth reading.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.

Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

And, Yes, Hemo2Homo Will Be There!

Homo Wins! Hemo Walks Away In Disgrace.

I want to make a horror film about a tap dancing werewolf. Oh, wait. I just saw it. It was called "The Academy Awards," though it looked and sounded more like the Tonys. When I said that the Oscars were gayest event of the year, I wasn't expecting them to take me quite so literally. Have I mentioned that I hate big, gay production numbers?

Well, I do. I said it and I'm not ashamed.

But the set looked fab, Milk won in two categories, and the best speech of the night was by its writer, the young Dustin Lance Black. I also like that Sean Penn said "homo" on stage. Looks like I won the contest between Hemo and me.

SAYS HEMO: I got nothing! Nada! I'm going to blog that Penn gave the H2H a shout out from stage. You are right- best speech by the writer!

Our friend said Brody looked like Snoop Dogg. I said that maybe he is playing him in an upcoming biopic.

Actually Snoop Dogg is hosting a variety show soon.

Snoop Dogg. Variety show.

The man can barely string a sentence together. But, wait, Ed Sullivan could barely speak and also had little discernible talent...

Naturally, Joe.My.God. had the two best winning speeches on his blog, so I stole them. As he said, "Sean Penn scored an upset tonight taking Best Actor for Milk. He also probably exploded a few million wingnut craniums with his acceptance speech. HEH."

Doesn't matter. This was the speech I wish I had heard as a kid. Thanks, Dustin. You are a class act.

EDIT: Okay, a gay moment. And it's this dress worn by Reese Witherspoon. I kept waiting for Ethel Mertz to come out in a matching outfit and for the two of them to start pulling it apart. What's with all the black sash things hanging on dresses this year? Kate Winslet's horrific ric-rac covered abomination was just as bad.

Oh, well. What's the Oscars without fashions we can make fun of.

What was even better was watching Tim Gunn of "Project Runway" out there on the carpet, lying his ass off, as he looked at these monstrous creations. That was the most fun of the night.

Hemo2Homo Predicts The Oscars

Tonight is the Oscars. It’s always a chance for Shawn Decker and Steve- The Hemo2Homo Connection- to match wits and predict winners. I’ll post the results tomorrow and will try not to gloat too much when I win. Oh, and since Shawn didn't dress for the occasion, I'll do most of the heavy lifting.

STEVE SAYS: The Oscars! The gayest event of the entertainment season featuring five movies no one in America actually saw all competing to win a prize so that their DVD sales will escalate (since none of the films ever played in any actual theaters where “the public” — that great unwashed mass of Paul Blart lovers — resides.)

BEST ACTOR: Sean Penn. No actor has ever so completely captured a real figure. Ever.

(SHAWN SAYS: “No way- Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler! It’s still real to me, dammit!”)

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Heath Ledger. No actor has ever so completely captured Dick Cheney’s persona. Ever. And, amazingly, though both are dead, one manages to crawl out of the grave and appear on Fox News every once in awhile.

(SHAWN SAYS: “Robert Downey Jr. takes it running away. He’s been legally dead seven or eight times, that’s more than Heath and Cheney combined!”)

BEST ACTRESS: Kate Winslet. It takes great skill to play the stupidest woman who ever lived. (More on that later).

(SHAWN SAYS: “Marisa Tomei!”)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: I’m voting for Marisa Tomei because I know she’s in this category, not the Best Actress one, unlike Thinblood. I’m also going with Tomei because of the way she stomped her foot in that movie where Herman Munster was the judge. Yes, yes, I know that performance was a different year and she already won for that movie, but I don’t care.

(SHAWN SAYS: “Give her all the awards! The best stripping performance since Showgirls!”)

BEST MOVIE:
MILK. MILK. MILK. MILK. And yeah, I know Slumdog is supposed to win, and I loved Slumdog even though it was a purely sentimental piece of impossibility, but then, that’s what movies are all about.

(SHAWN SAYS: “Slumdog won’t win. They would have won if the movie had centered around the gameshow The Price Is Right- a classic. Not the dated Millionaire show. Can you imagine a high stakes ending that involves Plinko?”)

I LOVE PLINKO! And it's Jim's favorite game show, too. That’s stupid, Shawn. You didn't even choose a Best Movie. Just saying "Slumdog won't win" doesn't mean you win if it doesn't win.

But that gives me a chance to go on a rant about THE READER. I hated this movie.

Warning: Steve Spoiler Ahead!

You see, The Reader is fictional account of the stupidest woman on earth. It starts off where she (statutory) rapes a willing 15 year old naked boy (uncut!). But it’s okay because she’s a sympathetic Nazi prison guard who we’re
supposed to feel sorry for even though she was personally responsible for watching and facilitating the deaths of hundreds or thousands of human beings. Why?

Because, boo hoo, she can’t read.

So the other mean Nazi guards let her take the rap for an incident where hundreds of Jews died in a church fire, even though she was guilty anyway. And yes, that’s the actual plot. And that piece of crap was nominated for Best Picture. Be thankful it never showed in your town, Hemo.

And the best thing you’ve ever done is turn your blog over to me, by the way (which he did).

(SHAWN SAYS: “This was a bad idea, and why am I in parenthesis? Any final statements, Steve?”)

The Dark Knight got ripped off. So did every real film lover. I think it was because they didn't see it in imax. Well, I'm gonna be first in line to see WATCHMEN. I can tell you that.
—————————————

OK, I am back now. Thanks for pitching in Steve, we’ll see how it goes tonight. Good luck to you… you’re going to need it!

Positively Yours,
Shawn

Not a problem, but you forgot to predict the Best Picture. Oh, who cares. You'll probably just re-edit your blog to make it look like you picked all the winners, anyway.

Hemo2Homo Reviews The Dark Knight.

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review

Homo: Hemo, since it's taken you three weeks to see the movie, I'd like to elaborate on why I went on opening weekend. (And yes, reader, hemo is the reason this is so late).

Hemo: Take it away, sir.

Homo: Boy Wonder Drugs, I have been a comic book fanatic all my life, and it made me crazy that most of them have been so bad. Before, it would be a studio making a "comic book" movie. Campy or badly acted.
But the best super hero comics are deadly serious and very adult in their relationships, which is what makes them interesting. And too many Hollywood people think, "Comic book! Let's do something 'comic booky'."

Hemo: It's the opposite of the typical "AIDS movie", where no humor is allowed to enter.

Homo: Exactly. So, I'm amazed at how good The Dark Knight is on every level. Heath Ledger's Joker has already become iconic. I still live with the vivid image of him in that nurse's outfit, dancing in the parking lot of the hospital, pushing those buttons. It's indelible.

Hemo: Good God. Can you imagine showing up at the Infectious Disease Clinic and running into that guy?

Homo: Are you kidding? I'd PAY to see that. And the relief is that his actual death has nothing to do with the enjoyment of his performance, assuming one can truly "enjoy" watching a complete psychopath. He's so different from "Brokeback" where he was so totally authentic as a tight-jawed cowboy.

Patient adherence under Dr. Joker rose by 317%

Hemo: He was way more convincing than President Bush. What made his performance so striking?

Homo: Because I don't see him. I only see his character, this demented nutcase.

Hemo: I'm confused- are we talking about Heath Ledger or President Bush?

Homo: Good question.

Hemo: Heath was pretty badass... but one guy stole his thunder in the Dark Knight.

Homo: Who?

Hemo: Zeus.

Homo: Who?

Hemo: This guy.

Homo: A wrestler? You sat through this entire movie and the only thing that caught your attention was some old wrestler from 1989 who once starred in a movie with Hulk Hogan?

Hemo: It's Zeus. The human wrecking machine!

I really think they are setting him up as the next super villain. Zeus was only a nice guy in The Dark Knight to lull the audience into a false sense of security for the next time. It's a classic wrestling swerve-job, Homo.

Homo: You are a classic wrestling nutjob, Hemo. And as bad of a movie reviewer as you are, I used to think that at least, someday, you'd make a good straight dad. But now I hope you never sign up for those sperm washing appointments. You are one sack of DNA that does not need to be spread any farther.

Hemo: Why so serious? Wait- I know what this is about. This anger I sense in you- this darkness. And it has nothing to do with this guy.

Homo: Stop posting those things!

Hemo: You're still upset about our last review, The Happening? That I lied to you. What can I do to regain the trust that made the Hemo2Homo Connection great?

Homo: Well, the first thing I'd like you to do is to do what normal movie reviewers do. See the movie early enough that you're one of the first to be talking about it.

Hemo: I was going to see it, but I was kind of freaked out that Batman beat up his mother and sister in England. That was weirder than Heath being gone. And then I found out that "assault" in England means raising your voice at someone, which isn't very badass.

Plus, no one had mentioned that Zeus was in the damn thing.

Homo: Either way it doesn't matter: everyone has talked it to death, even the sorta "bad" parts, like Batman's dumb sounding raspy voice processing or the way The Joker managed to attract hordes of followers even though he killed everyone who ever worked for him.

Hemo: I bet he made up for the risk with a good dental plan. Wait, has anyone made fun of The Joker's dental hygiene yet? Or the guyliner that the Mayor of Gotham City wears?

Homo: I'm sure someone has. We're always late, thinblood. People move on because it takes so long for you to get your thinblooded ass to the movies.

Hemo: ... I guess you're right... but wait: isn't that a triumph of sorts?

Homo: What do you mean?

Hemo: That we can be late in 2008? That we survived AIDS and are in good enough health? We don't have to rush out on opening weekend to see a movie like we did back when Beaches came out. We can wait, make sure a movie is worth our beans, then go see it in a nice, peaceful and empty movie theatre, where we can truly absorb a film's every nuance.

Homo: You almost had me. We're late. And this thing is starting to get longer than the movie itself. And... Oh, god.

Hemo: What? What??

Homo: As much as it pains me, I just realized that you're a genius. By focusing on Zeus, we're the only reviewers to introduce a totally unique perspective on the movie!

Hemo: See? The world needs us, Steve. Even if we live to see ourselves become the villains we once fought.

Homo: You quoted the movie! Maybe there is hope for you yet.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.

Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

Hemo2Homo Reviews The Happening

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review

Hemo: He has done it again: my generation's Alfred Hitchcock, Mr. M. Night Shaymalan, has delivered another masterpiece with The Happening.

Homo: WHAT??? Are you losing your mind, Hemo? Hitchcock would have never produced a turkey like this thing, which I only went because you said we should review it. What's worse is that I had heard it sucked, but my friend Ernie and I decided to go see it anyway because we were in the mood for a good/bad movie.

Hemo: Don't be a hater- you're just mad because you didn't see the end coming.

Homo: You mean I couldn't wait for the end to come. And not just of the movie. Everyone in the theatre, we were making a suicide pact. This might be the worst movie I've seen in a decade. And not "good" bad.

Hemo: When did you lose your sense of humor?

Homo: Stop it. It's tediously, boringly, amateurishly, laughingly, stultifyingly bad. One of those that's more fun to talk about later than to have to sit through.

Hemo: Worse than Indiana Jones?

Homo: It was worse than a night of summer reality TV.

Hemo: Worse than Big Brother?

Homo: Yes. I was stunned, thinblood.

WARNING: PLOT SPOILERS

Hemo: Stunned in shocked silence by the surprise twist ending?

Homo: Surprise? You mean that ending I could see coming a mile away? No, I was stunned because someone had the balls to charge money for this unintentional comedy. The first laugh occurred when they were evacuating Manhattan because they think terrorists have attacked it with poison gas.

Hemo: There's nothing funny about terrorism, Steve.

Homo: Or, apparently, scary. Picture this, thinblood: NEW YORK CITY IS BEING EVACUATED! Are the people rushing? Are they running? Are they in a panic? Nope. They're all leisurely strolling through Grand Central Station, casually getting train tickets.

Hemo: Maybe they all had bleeding disorders? Toxic gas is nothing compared to a bad bleed, especially one that's easily avoided with a modicum of caution.

Homo: Even if there was a Thinblood Convention in New York City, that doesn't mean the rest of the New Yorkers would be polite enough to not trample them. Trust me- I lived there. The calm demeanor of the public is tempered by Mark Wahlberg's wife, who is upset at him because he told their friend that she's been a bit distant.

Hemo: I thought that was a very moving scene.

Homo: Are they putting heroin into your blood products these days? The city is being attacked! People are dying left and right. But what she's really upset about is that their friend has been told that she's been a little bit disengaged?

Hemo: Welcome to my world, Homo. That's how the ladies roll. Remember, sexual preference is a choice, and it's not too late to switch teams. (note: Shawn Decker knows sexual preference is not a choice, and has gone on record as saying such.)

Homo: No thanks, Hemo. But I am rethinking this Movie Reviewer business.

Hemo: I hear ya, lately these bad movies are making AIDS seem like a cakewalk. Wait, you look like you are about to rant... are you about to...

Homo: You'd think these folks were on an AIDS Walk, without the passion! No, they're casually walking to the train, but global terrorism isn't enough drama for Marky's wife! They could all be poisoned already, but she petulantly decides to sit in a different train car so she can cool down.

Hemo: But what about...

Homo: Naturally, in this evacuation, there are lots of cars and seats to choose from. She finds the seat and gets a phone call from a guy. She picks up the phone and says -- I kid you not -- "Stop calling me! It's like you've become a stalker! All we did was eat some tiramisu!"

Ernie and I screamed out loud, laughing. At that point, we went all MST3000 on this thing, delivering new dialogue all the way through. Luckily, there were only four other people in the place... Hemo, are you still here?

Hemo: I'm back. I just googled "Eating Tiramisu", just in case it's a new phrase for an old sex act: it's not. :O(

Homo: Sex couldn't even spice up this movie, which would have been the high point of the entire badly written script. This movie ran out of ideas after five minutes. See, trees and grass are really pissed off at humans, so they're spraying gas or pollen into the air which makes people commit suicide. Once we learn this, the movie becomes a series of people killing themselves in every PG way possible. Gun shots, jumping off buildings, stabbings, lying in front of a giant lawn mower, etc. And what do you do when you are being attacked by trees, thinblood?

Hemo: Climb up a bear?

Homo: Even better: THEY RUN INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE WHERE THERE'S NOTHING BUT TREES! At one point Marky says, "Quick, get ahead of the wind!" How do you get ahead of the wind?

Hemo: You've never had Thanksgiving with my family. If you hear a certain sound, and you don't get ahead of the wind, you don't live to enjoy a second serving of mashed potatoes.

Homo: In this movie, it was the Earth that was farting. Or God. Or Muhammed. Whichever God had beans for dinner last dealt it. This whole thing was a bad imitation of a 60's rip-off of the Twilight Zone series.

Hemo: No, Steve, no. It was an homage! One master paying tribute to another.

Homo: Shawn. No. And I'm scared sick that you are standing behind this movie. And what exactly did you like about this movie, anyway?

Hemo: Well... uh... you have to admit it was kind of cool when Wahlberg started blowing up the trees and chainsawing them down and stuff.

Homo: What are you talking about? You did go see The Happening, right?

Hemo: Actually, I heard a lot of bad things about this one, too. And, since we're in a recession and all, I figured it would be wise to save the old beans, if ya know what I mean.

Homo: What?! I only went because you told me to!

Hemo: I was going to email you about my change of plan, then I thought: "How cool would it be, in the great tradition of M. Night, to have a surprise ending to this review?"

Homo: I hate you. I'm re-abandoning you as a Godchild. How's that for a surprise ending?

Hemo: Homo? Homo?

WILL THE HEMO2HOMO CONNECTION BE BACK TO REVIEW BATMAN? IS THE DYNAMIC DUO FINISHED? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review: Sex and The City

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
Homo: I'm a bad gay. A horrible homo. I don't like shoes or shopping. I don't like gossip and I don't like hearing people talk about their feelings. And now that I've suffered through 2 1/2 hours of it, where can I go to get my masculinity back?

Hemo: I'm a bad straight- I love to gossip, and watched most of this HBO series with Gwenn and two of our best (good gay) friends. So of course I was there for the movie, it was somewhat of an event in our household.

I know, I'm a bad straight.

Homo: I wouldn't have even gone to see this thing if not for you. And you said you liked it?

Hemo: Yes, there was humor, and remember, I'd just had the Spielberg/Lucas shitbomb of Indiana dropped on me. Maybe I just got Sex more, since I knew the characters from the TV show.

Homo: You don't understand. I watched the series. I'm not THAT bad of a homo.

Hemo: My bad, Homo.

Homo: No probleemo, Hemo. But a bad movie is a bad movie. Christ. Purses. Labels. Shoes. Shopping. More shopping. More labels. More shoes. What the hell is it with women and shoes? Those horrors cost $500?? And $500 for a damn purse??

Hemo: You have to remember: most people aren't dumping all of their money into expensive HIV medications like we are.

Homo: Right. Which is why I'm kicking myself for dumping money into Indiana and Sex...

Hemo: Wait, what about that next-door neighbor of Samantha's? They showed that dude's ass like 50 times!

Homo: Okay, you got me. Being an Internet Icon, I'd heard all about Mr. Next Door Neighbor before stepping foot into the theatre. He's the real reason I went to see it, not because you wanted me to.

Hemo: They showed that dude's ass like 50 times. And I got nothing! I was forced to go online and look for photos of Kristen Davis giving some guy a....

Homo: Hold your horses, Hemo!

Hemo: And I'm not even sure it was her.

Homo: The straight women and gay men this movie was made for don't care about you and your needs, thinblood. This is about us. But they did show Samantha in that sushi scene. That was kind, you know, um, fleshy?

Hemo: Kim Cattrall to the rescue again!

Kim Cattrall, modelling the latest in Gigantic Condom Headwear

That woman deserves to make five times what Sarah Jessica gets. She should have held out for more money.

Homo: There, you got Samantha. The next-door neighbor, as hot as he was, was still a straight dude. Except for the two hot guys who kissed in the first scene, what is up with the homofaguals in this series? Why is it that the only two gay men in the cast have the worst clothing and are the most repulsive looking characters on the screen?

Hemo: At least the movie had gay guys in it. Hemophiliacs have been on the cutting edge of fashion for years, and how are we rewarded? By not having one thinblood in the movie. C'mon!

The last time a hemo figured into a movie plot was the vampire film, The Thirst. The vampires fed on the thinblood, then some dude starting punching them and they all bled to death.

Homo: Wait. Is that a real movie? The vampires drank the blood of hemophiliacs and then bled to death from cuts? Genius.

Hemo: It was one thinblooded girl, but yes, it's real. Netflix it. (Careful, there are two vampire movies called "The Thirst", the one with the hemophiliac character in it also stars Jeremy Sisto.)

So, let's cut to the chase: how do you rate Sex & The City?

Homo: Well, I'll tell you the truth. It wasn't entirely my cup of tea, and I thought the plot had holes big enough to hold Sarah Jessica Parker's wardrobe, but I have to admit it was fun seeing the four girls together again. They're like comic book heroes when they walk together. So, I'll give it a very mild One Vein Up But Only For People Who Like This Kind Of Movie.

Hemo: I'm with you- the characters are interesting enough, though someone with clotting deficiencies would have added a nice dynamic. Still, I give the movie One-and-a-Half Veins Up.

Homo: I do: I also give one Special Vein Up for the guy next door.

Hemo: Gee, let me guess where that vein is located.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.