It was on May 1st, 1996, that the larger cyberworld found me. Up until then, most of my readers were family and friends. My diary postings were mainly for them, though a few people had found me by doing websearches on the word "AIDS." But on May 1st, ten years ago, I was named "Isotopically Cool Site Of The Day". What this did for me was it brought into my circle of friends and acquaintances other people with AIDS, caregivers, physicians, musicians, gay folk, straight folk, religious folk, and, yes, cool folk. (Looking at their site, I see they didn't archive this category designation, so I didn't quite make the A-Team of Cool, but still...)
I also note that Jim had been given an opportunity to lecture onboard a cruise ship to Alaska, which would start in about a week. Given how sick I was, I remember thinking that I would give the diarrhea meds one last push to help me gain weight -- and that, on the ship, I would eat and eat and eat. My goal was to focus on gaining a single pound. Just one. Just to prove that my body could do it. Given the abundance of food on a ship, I felt I could relax, enjoy the beauty, and just concentrate on getting better.
What Jim was thinking -- what everyone was thinking except me, because I just refused to entertain these kinds of thoughts -- was that this would be my last cruise before dying. Or maybe I did think this. I don't remember. What I do remember is that I had this massive Will to Survive. If you look at the entries, you'll see that I was still going one day at a time. If I had a good day, it meant I would survive. If I had a bad day, it meant I just needed to get through it until I got to a good day.
Speaking of which, this next Sunday, we'll be going out again. We'll be gone for two weeks. But I promise to take lots of pictures and videos, to check in whenever possible. And maybe come back with some new songs. We have a really great friend who'll be housesitting for us. Steinbeck has already tested out his lap, so I know the boys will be well taken care of.
I think it's great that our lives are paralleling what went on 10 years ago. But this time, I won't be fighting to stay alive. I'll just be doing my usual "fighting to stay ALIVE!"
A new love song based on chaos theory. Because, romantic.
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