Saturday, November 22, 2008

Why "Twilight" is BAD for girls but GREAT for guys.

I just finished reading the first book in the "Twilight" series. I can summarize it easily:

Girl moves to new town.
Meets vampire boy.
Describes (endlessly) how beautiful vampire boy is.
The end.

So, as a reading experience, I found its crimson prose to be dull and obvious. However, given its sensational popular amongst young teen girls, it provides a valuable insight into the emotional, romantic and sexual fantasies of estrogen-based life forms (and that's not a put-down; I'm just stating a fact).

So, if "Twilight" is an accurate mirror, girls wants a guy who:
1. first eye contact, forgets that he ever knew or met another living female. His life didn't START until he sees her.

2. ...a guy who is a loner, doesn't hang with the locker room crowd and has no friends... until he sees her.

3. ...has great breath. (This was one feature of the book that mystified me. She had to mention that he has great breath? Fascinating. A dead person with great breath.)

4. the strongest human alive and could kill anyone, but he has the heart of Jesus and can't kill a fly, and if he does get out of hand, only she can talk him down.

5. ...will pledge to protect her eternally and be there for her, night or day.

6. ...will refuse to have sex with her because his passion for her is so great, it might kill her.

7. ...has infinite patience and complete understanding of estrogen-based mood swings. In fact, the crazier she gets, the more he loves her.

8. ...has the maturity of a man of 100 but is cute and naive, and shy.

9. ...has biceps and muscles of hard statuesque stone.

10. ...can't stop talking about how alive he is now that he's met her.
So, how is this bad for girls? Because it gives teen boys a roadmap into how to seduce teen girls. How? By imitating the above fantasy traits.

Let's see.

Stare directly into her eyes. Let her make the first moves. Keep your mouth shut. When she's completely insane, just smile and say you understand and love her anyway.

What else? Go to the gym. Don't join a sport. Don't joke with your male friends. Don't date any other girls until you've met "her."

Work out.

Oh, and take breath mints everywhere.

See how easy that is?


Amy Lynn said...

Ah, we should have chatted about this. I just finished Eclipse and started Breaking Dawn today. Saw the movie tonight. I LOVED LOVED LOVED it. Patrick thought it was the "dullest thing ever". :)

Anonymous said...

Just finished Breaking Dawn (what I - a 49 year old testorone based entity (with a strong attachment to my X chromosome) - thought was the best book of the series) - however my 16 year old niece and my boss' 16 year old daughter - thought it was disappointing.

I believe it is because the 4th book no longer deals with the romance of love but the day to day realities of commitment - things that 16 year olds don't want to or don't need to deal with - YET (if they are smart).

Looking forward to seeing the movie (planned for this weekend - along with Milk)

Vampires, Werewolves and Gays!
Oh my!!

Unknown said...

Where was Twilight when I was a teen who needed advisement on estrogen-based lifeforms. Or where was the advice of Steve Schlachlin, for that matter?

And yes, you're reviewing the damn movie for Hemo2Homo. I don't care if you suffered through the book. (Just pretend you saw the movie.)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh that book was so terribly overrated. I don't know why people think its so original, because, ha, do you KNOW how many other books have been written on the exact same topic? "Oh, a vampire falls in love with a human girl, that's SOOOOOO original!" Um, not really. Bella was a freakin clutz and couldn't even walk down the damn street by herself. She totally dropped her friends and family like the first day they met. I know that its a fantasy book, but it was unrealistic, that even being said. I liked them, sure, but (like Paul McCartney) their terrible overrated popularity ruined them for me (sorry Paul). They weren't that well written, she used the same words like 100 times in a page (didn't notice the interminable use of the word "incredulous"?). The charecters were lovable, I loved them. The plot was kind of dull and unoriginal and VERY predictable. But, hey, it was engaging. I read every one of the books in a day each. But, really, that was probably only because I was literally stuck in bed, sick, for two weeks in the summer. That was probably the only reason I read them, actually... Anyways, my main complaint is that these books aren't at all the mark in literature history that everyone seems to think they are. They're no where near comparable to books such as Pride and Prejudice, Oliver Twist, or even something for you non-fiction lovers, A Brief History of Time. The books were all fluff, they were brain candy. And hey, I can't say I didn't enjoy them. But I also can say that at Ms. Meyer's age and experience, I could probably have written a helluva better book.

Anonymous said...


nah, we actually want an edward cullen ;)

(i actually don't (XD), i prefer jacob or emmett if you ask me, but that's a way of putting it. we'll always find something wrong with real guys.)

Shelia said...

I read the 1st book last week, and my husband and I watched to movie last night. We figured out why Edward can't read Bella's mind. She doesn't have one. Honestly, she's the most boring heroine EVER in a book or a movie.

viagra without prescription said...

The movie is great, but I still have the unknown of why vampires can exist as pussys like these, a lot of romance and little manliness lol, good blog.

Anonymous said...

Well, great. Since most guys who would use Twilight to seduce girls will probably never ever read it, it's good that you put it all here in 10 easy steps. Not only that, but you summed it up at the end.

What we need to learn from the bad things about Twilight is not that we shouldn't let our daughters read it, but that we should bolster their self-esteem and character so that they can read books and be able to identify these things without changing to emulate them.